Do you struggle to be alone?

Am I strange for wanting to be around people most of the time?

Recently, I went to France, oh la la, bonjour. I know! It was a trip to see a friend of mine who I am very close to but who I hadn’t seen in almost a year in person because, you know, life and circumstances got in the way. Thankfully for me she speaks pretty much fluent French so I basically became her mute English sidekick who smiled and nodded as if I understood every word before hooking onto just one, “ah oui Orange, Orange wine s'il vous plaît”. Shockingly to everyone who knows me I do in fact have French blood in me and also once lived in Paris (more on that another time). I think it was my great grandmother who was French. I’d love to find out how or why, but she married an Irish man and together they lived and raised a family in…(drumroll please) Carlisle, England. Yes, I know, as we Cumbrians like to say “eh”? “You wha?” Your guess is as good as mine as to what on earth happened there (love you Carlisle but interesting choice from those backgrounds). My mum is called Brigid Claudine, so clearly the Irish and French still live on, but sadly it didn’t reach my linguistic abilities. From my skin tone and humour I’d say I got a big dose of the Irish. My white transparent figure escaping a winter living in Edinburgh was enough to warn any French person that I am British. No introduction was needed, the skin spoke for itself ; “Hello madam, how can we help you?” - hadn’t even opened my mouth.

Anyhoooooo. I digress.

My friend and I are both single ladies in our thirties. Oh heyyy! In the 13 years or so since we have known each other, being single at the same time is a new thing and it got us talking about being alone and learning how to spend time with ourselves. To be honest, I think this is something to work on even if you are in a relationship as space, I have learnt, is very important.

Here’s the thing, I am an extrovert. Not an introverted extrovert. Just an extrovert, En français, “une personne très sociable” which sounds much nicer than an outgoing, socially confident person, which basically sounds like you’re an arrogant twat. I’m not, I don’t think, but I like people basically. Going into social situations doesn’t really worry me, I can have a conversation with pretty much anyone, it is just how I am. It certainly does not mean I always say the right thing, but it does mean I will say something. I feed off speaking to other people and being around them. If I am lost or need help, I am quite happy to ask people and have never really understood those who would rather struggle not knowing where they are than just go and ask someone a question. With this love of being around people and basically getting my energy and lust for life from that, it means that being alone for extended periods of time isn’t really for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I can be on my own. I like to have a chilled evening on the sofa devouring White Lotus. I like being able to mooch around on a Saturday morning and not feel the pressure to be anywhere. I have even travelled alone before and not just a solo mini break, but a 6 week trip to South America, with a rucksack and bumbag of American dollars strapped to me. Who was she? But ask me to spend a weekend at home on my own with no plans to meet anyone, I would probably have a panic attack and I’d be praying for Monday to come faster.

Why? What’s the difference? I suppose travelling you’re having an adventure and you meet so many people along the way so you’re never truly alone if you don’t want to be. There’s people looking to meet other people everywhere you go. In reality and everyday life, it’s the opposite and the idea of being on my own for a weekend makes my skin crawl. There is a pit of emptiness in my stomach that comes when I haven’t made weekend plans (which is rare as I know this about myself, so don’t really let it happen, I keep busy). This may be me overthinking it as most people enjoy company of some sort across a weekend but I have started to wonder if that makes me strange (you already are Louise come on, yes thank you very much, I hear that) or, if perhaps I am avoiding something?

One summer I had August off which was pretty great. I was going to New York and had various plans with friends. Sadly, one friend who was due to visit me in Edinburgh had to cry off at the last minute, for a very legitimate reason, but it meant I was left with a hole in my plans. I had seen loads at the Fringe already so I took myself off to a Shepherds Hut in Perthshire thinking I could be one of those people who has a serene, phone free weekend, skipping through fields and singing at the moon (I am only partly joking). When I arrived, within 10 minutes I had signed up to a yoga class (people), and then sat having tea with said people after the class finding out their life history. Even after they decided to go back to their weekend WITH PEOPLE, I turned my fire pit lighting into a joint venture. The property manager took pity on me and decided to help teach me how to light a fire (yes, I should have known this by now, especially growing up in the countryside, but give me a break, usually there is someone far more interested in lighting a fire with me).

I sat in the dark with just my fire (so proud) outside my shepherd's hut, looking at the stars, alone, then proceeded to text everyone I knew about how I’d built a fire. PUT THE BLOODY PHONE DOWN.

The next day, embracing my new carefree Shepherds hut life I sat and read a book before going on a walk. I’d say it took all of 3 hours, maybe less (definitely less), before I pulled my phone out and rang my cousin for a chat whilst I was walking through the fields. Turns out I should have actually gone to a White Lotus hotel in Thailand and had my phone locked away in a nice cloth bag (if you haven’t seen White Lotus this is what happens in the series to the guests, amongst many other more interesting things which I won’t ruin if you haven’t seen it). It would have been warmer than Scotland but hey, this was very last minute and no, I cannot afford to stay at a White Lotus hotel. Let me pretend it was an option. So, all in all, did I have a two day break on my own, yes? Was I really on my own? Maybe not.

Is everyone like that or is it just me?

Sometimes I can’t wait for some time on my own after a busy social calendar. By time, I mean an evening or so, but other times I picture myself as the original Bridget Jones sitting on my own singing “all by myself” (a friend pointed out to me the other day that I can’t refer to myself as being like Bridget Jones anymore when she is in fact widowed with two children, which I am not, so to clarify I am talking about the OG). You know the scene (unless you’re one of those crazy people who hasn’t seen Bridget Jones); it actually just makes me laugh more than anything else. In lockdown, it even meant recreating that scene (times were rough, what can I say), filming myself and sending it to all my friends (you will need to pay for this sort of content, I’m not up to embarrassing myself that much).

The thing is, we are social creatures and it makes me laugh when friends who have been in very long term relationships say “just enjoy time on your own! Make the most of it.” For people living together in relationships (and yes I have been one of these people), alone time is often a conscious choice or it’s just separation, time apart but with others (essential of course) but not necessarily total alone time. I should caveat this entire article by saying I work remotely, so from home or a co-working space. If I am working from home, I could see no one all day if I don’t force myself to go to the gym or on a walk or make evening plans. Being single, I find, is often more admin - making plans with people and making sure you’re not on your own for too long, and for me that’s crucial.

So tell me, do you think I am strange?

I think perhaps the answer, for me is, yes, I do struggle to be alone, for extended periods. I don’t mean single, I mean physically alone, whether in a relationship or not. Perhaps that is strange, but also, perhaps just accepting that that is the case is what I need to do. I don’t feel the need to purposefully suffer alone for a period of time just to prove I can be on my own, when I know too long makes me miserable and I prefer to be around people. What’s the point? To have a revelation that I don’t love that much time alone? Well, I suppose I’ve had that.

So, who’s free Friday?